The Trials and Tribulations of House-Buying

When you put an offer on a house, that house still seems like a distant dream. It’s like seeing a pair of pants in a shop window, haggling over the price, but then finding out you can’t take them off the mannequin without lawyers, bankers and several documents proving that the check your grandmother gave you for graduation wasn’t procured by selling cocaine. Lindsay and I have come a long way in our house hunt and we’re almost home…literally.

First, we had to endure a complicated loan process - a process that's still going on. We thought we could get a standard FHA home loan. WE could, but the HOUSE could not.  Did you know that FHA home loans won’t cover a house that has been moved to a new location? Of course you didn’t, because you’re not an evil government worker. You’re a nice human being that reads our blog. I can only guess that their logic is to help them discriminate against poor people and mobile homes (or foundation issues, but whatever). So, we had to submit more paper work for a different loan, have our monthly payments increased as well as our down payment. This did not deter Linds one bit from wanting to proceed with purchasing this home. I on the other hand…peed my pants just a little bit. It doesn’t take much to wreck my entire confidence. Lindsay talked me down from THAT ledge, and assured me that we wouldn’t be “house poor” and that our dream was still doable (let the record show that if we end up rolling pennies for gas and eating Top Ramen in a few months, I can say with much sarcasm, “told you so”). But, I think we’re going to be just fine.

Lindsay:  Top Ramen is delicious. 

Next we had our home inspection, which turned out great. Apparently, Lindsay and I have great taste and can pick out a very healthy house. Now we have to get the house appraised. This makes no sense to me. Why can’t you do that before you agree to buy the house? I’m half a moron and it doesn’t take much to pull a fast one over on me. But, if they tell me that this house is only worth $2.89 I’m going to be super pissed.

The list of things what we have to do is piling up quick. I have to build a fence, which should be a comedy of errors waiting to happen. Thank god I have a loving and caring father that knows how to do this type of stuff. I look forward to bonding with my old man, and simultaneously letting him down with my lack of knowledge of “guy shit."

The thing I am looking forward to the most about being a homeowner…peeing in the backyard at night when I take the dogs out. It’s going to be super sweet. I might even launch off the back porch. Aw…sweet freedom. Also, I might take up nude tanning on the back porch, which will be thrilling for everyone. I’m also going to try to grow pot under the house! (If you’re a cop, I’m kidding)

Wish us luck!