He's 33. Like the Taylor Swift song but not! ...
I have told you that my beloved recently took a new job - correct?
I have been cleaning out my apartment, because in two short weeks I will be a big-time College Graduate! Yes, you read correctly. I will be the proud owner of a very expensive piece of paper that unfortunately has not garnished me a job to pay for that piece of paper. Life’s funny…LOLOLOL!!!
In preparing my house for my collegiate exodus I stumbled up my old comedy writings. If I ever doubted why I got out of comedy, then please allow me to share some of the worst joke premises any comedian has every thought up. Here we go…prepare to not laugh, and more than likely be offended!
- Trying to guess how much your parents love you based on the number of pictures of you versus the other kids in the family in the house.
- Why does my poop change colors?
- I’ve gotten plenty of massages and no one has ever offered a “happy ending.” I think I might be ugly.
- I was talking to an Asian girl, and she showed me pictures of her sister and I said, “Oh you guys have the same eyes.” I didn’t mean it as racist, but that’s how it was taken.
- Saw a guy in a wheelchair carrying groceries in his mouth. I’m pretty sure I’d starve to death.
- Goats that pass out when scared…that’s crazy!!!
- Couples that sit on the same side of the booth when eating out.
- NBC’s “Biggest Loser” – if they actually cared about the contestants, then they wouldn’t make them show their saggy man tits to America.
- I work out just to remain f**kable. I could die tomorrow, I just want to look halfway decent.
- Never adopt a dog and then joke about how he’s not a good dog fighter when the ASPCA lady calls to check on you.
- You know you’re poor when your family gives you a trip to the dentist for your birthday.
- Coors Beer use to be so good that it was the entire plot of Smokey & The Bandit. “Honey, did you see the fridge…they’ve got Coors!”
- Nipple tattoos.
- I went to dinner at a gay couples house. It was so nice that it made me think: I’d go gay for a mansion.
- Dog boners have cool nicknames: Red Rocket, Lipstick. I wish my boners had better nicknames.
- I love farting at concerts. You can really let loose and no one can hear you, and then you get to act just as offended as everyone around you.
- When I was little and went camping the only thing my mom said was, “Don’t get raped.”
- I have a laptop just for porn and I’m pretty sure it has Computer AIDS
- Is it gay to admire a man’s tits if they’re really nice?
And the worst one….
The Racist Homosexual Bartender Character: “Hey DaMontize and Jamal, would y’all brothers like another watermelon martini?”
Ok, so there you have it. There is all the proof you need to know that many a night I didn’t hear a lot of laughs echoing in the room. Sometimes those things got laughs, but more often then not they did not. I hope you laughed at them. Just please know that I’m not a racist, homophobe, freak, molester of animals, or just a general weirdo that should be shunned from society. I’m trying to be normal, but I’ve recently started to keep track of my thoughts again.
Who knows…I might start back telling jokes on stage from time to time. I don’t want to make a living doing it, but it is really fun to make an entire room of strangers feel uncomfortable in their own skin.
5. I was at Soho Coffee House performing at an open mic night, and per usual I was bombing (it's very hard to get laughs when most people are staring at their laptops and praying for you to shut your filthy, unfunny mouth). I was making fun of Jesus (a staple in my act) or some other aspect of religion which I find stupid and out of date when out of nowhere I started getting yelled at (leave it to a religious nut to get offended by someone making fun of their Savior. WWJD?). He was attacking me verbally and telling me point blank, "You're not funny. Nothing you've said has been funny." Despite it being true, it was still hurtful. So we went back and forth, back and forth until I absolutely lost my cool and started to yell at him. "Who do you think you are, go to hell you stupid sack of shit..." This went on and on. Then I decided to go big and lay the hammer down by saying, "Dude, you should have been an abortion. What a waste you are." That was when he charged the stage and challenged me to fight. I was scared but excited because there were 20 other comics and I'm fairly confident they'd have stepped in. By this time most people had looked up from their laptops and were fully engaged in the accidental drama scene that erupted during a shitty comedy show. Feeling defeated I walked outside to smoke a cigarette and was hailed as a hero by the employees of the coffee shop. The staff had been trying to find a way to kick that guy out of their establishment, but didn't have anything that stuck. This stuck and after that I always had the respect of the employees that worked in there and got free coffee quite frequently, not to mention all of the cigarettes I could bum.
This is the final installation of a three part series on one of Jay's better career decisions. Start from the beginning with part 1, here.
Family friendly....a term open for interpretation.
This nudist resort considers itself to be a “family friendly” environment. They encourage people to bring their children and introduce them to the wonderful, frequently sunburned lifestyle of being a nudist. Now color me old fashion, but if I ever went horseback riding with my naked mother and father, I’m pretty sure you could still hear my dick screaming. I just don’t see how in the world that this type of activity could or should ever be considered a “family friendly” activity. As for me and mine, I’m glad we stuck to fully-clothed trips to Myrtle Beach. Anyway, after 10pm the Swingers come out and the “family” vibe goes out the window. The Game Room is where the freaks congregate. It’s a smaller bar at the back of the resort and it has some video poker machines, a pool stable and a dance floor. I had been drinking steadily since the late afternoon and was drunk. I’m not bragging about the fact that I was drunk, but you need to know for the sake of the story that I was loaded. Clit ring girl is there with her skinny, redneck manfriend and they’re shooting pool. They asked Justin and I to join. Justin sucks at pool, but I accepted their offer. Pool is the worst game to play naked. When you’ve got to reach over the table to hit a runner down the rail, you have to rub your goodies all over the table. Literally, my balls were in the pockets, and my ass was on display for the world to see. It’s hard to focus on your shot when you’re worried about possible dingle berry sightings on your backside (yes, I saw dingle berries on other people).