Exhaustion is Cumulative {a list}

When Beck was first born I was emailing my Varsity Vocals boss about some work stuff, maybe when Beck was 3 days old.  Beck was still sleeping long 3-5 hour stretches and wasn't terribly hungry, and I was still pretty well-rested and so happy to have my baby OUT, and I don't remember feeling very tired at all.  Amanda said to me "get off the computer and go rest.  exhaustion is cumulative, and you won't be able to get this time back."

Truer words were never spoken, I'm sure of it.  

Amanda is very wise about many things, baby-related and otherwise, and it is just SO true.  Beck is still having her 4 month sleep regression, and 2 nights ago she woke up every hour like clockwork, ate hungrily, then fussed a good deal before going back to sleep.  So, in a 90 minute period I was awake for 35-40 of those minutes.  Luckily she only did that one night, but unluckily I had to work all day the next day, THEN had a skype meeting that night (video, so my exhaustion was on display for this poor stranger), and by the time I went to bed that night I thought it was surely the end and if Beck didn't sleep better that night we'd just have to send her back and wish her well.  

And of course she slept for 4 hours the first stretch, woke up only 2 times to eat and fell right back asleep, and we feel like totally new people now.  But, the fear of her doing that again, of being that tired, of her waking up when she really doesn't need to sometimes keeps me up, which is ironic and cruel.  So, for your entertainment and my self-help, here are some of the things that have happened in our brains in the middle of the night in the last 4 months.  

• omg the dog's collar is still on.  she is getting up.  she will NO DO NOT SHAKE YOUR EARS OMG IS BECK GOING TO WAKE UP SHE IS STIRRING WHYYYYYYYYYY DIDN'T I TAKE HER COLLAR OFF BEFORE WE WENT TO BED. 
• why don't they give extra Candy Crush lives to new moms?  this must be how they make so much money on a free app.  
• go the fuck to sleep.  
• stay the fuck asleep. 
• I have to pee.  it might wake her up.  not worth it.  I'll just sit here not sleeping or peeing until she wakes up again.  
• they say if she doesn't nap well during the day she won't sleep well at night.  cortisol levels.  that doesn't make sense.  HOW IS SHE NOT TIRED?  
• one time she slept 7 hours.  if I don't feed her she definitely won't die.  I should make Jay walk around with her and just force her back to sleep without food.  
• yeah, right.  
• I hate her.  
• she's so cute.  I love her so much.  I don't need sleep, I'll just watch her sleep.  that's just as restful. 
• THE DOGS ARE BARKING WHY ARE THE DOGS BARKING IT IS 3AM AND SHE JUST FELL ASL...nevermind. 
• no one goes to college really only sleeping an hour at a time...do they?  
• we need a new sound machine.  a better sound machine.  a MAGIC sound machine.  
• do we need a humidifier?  we have one.  I think it's full of mold.  I should clean that up.  
• how long until I die from exhaustion?  
• I should sleep train her.  
• I can't stand the thought of sleep training her.  ~googles no-cry sleep training success rates~
• I love her so much.  

The end.