Welp, we have a new ongoing dilemma in the How to Get Married the Wrong Way saga of our lives.
I don't know what to do about my name.
To clarify, this isn't a REAL dilemma, like "do we pull the plug on our 16 year old comatose daughter" or anything like that. I'm marrying the best guy ever, we're super happy, and employed, and healthy so....not a real dilemma.
The non-dilemma IS ongoing, though.
The options are endless, aren't they? Keep my name. Hyphenate. Take Jay's name.
His last name is Hastings and mine is Howerton. The benefit to this is that my monogram won't change. I don't own anything monogrammed, but if I did that would be a benefit.
Also. Signature. Mine is an L, an H, and a scribble so.....phew. Don't have to worry about learning to scribble a new capitalized cursive letter.
That was a joke, just like my signature. It's awful, but it's not changing.
I think maybe the reason why I'm having this decision-making issue is that I don't really care? I'm definitely not the girl who's like, dreamed her whole life of, like, taking her husbands name, but I'm also not feminist enough that NO ONE IS TAKING MY IDENTITY DAMN IT.
Because, when all is said and done, my identity isn't going anywhere, is it? I'll be as bossy and whiny and half-zen yet beef-loving as ever after we get married, no matter what I do with my name.
The only things that are KIND OF concerns are 1. if I want to have the same name as my children (assuming I don't change), and 2. once I start working in therapy and registering myself in that profession it'll be really difficult to change my name.
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So, while I'm not making myself have a decision by our wedding, it's gotta happen soon-ish.
So, the options. Lindsay Dawn Howerton is my name. Right now. Has been for 27 years and 2 months so far. If I take Jay's last name I'll likely drop the Dawn and save it for a daughter that I might have. My mom did that when she got married, and I like it. 🙂
So then we'd have Lindsay Howerton Hastings.
Or what about Lindsay Dawn Howerton-Hastings? Or no middle name with a hyphenation?
I don't hate the idea of hyphenating AT ALL, and if someone forced me to choose today I think that would be my option. I love my last name, and I'm the oldest of 4 girls. Sure, we might not all get married, and we have boy cousins, but still.
Also. I might just.....try on a few for size in the coming months? After we get married, before I legally change anything? Then I can keep my legal name for taxes, but go by other names for funzies. My bff hasn't changed her name but routinely gets called her husband's name - it's like changing your outfit all the time!
For Jay's part, he doesn't care. Not in a bad way, and I do think that if I took his name he'd be thrilled and flattered, but not in a "you don't love me unless you do this" way. I'm hesitant to even tell you this because MORE THAN THREE TIMES I've been accused of being a commitment-phobe because of the name thing. Please understand, this has nothing to do with me thinking I need to preserve my name in case I get divorced. I know that sounds harsh, but the accusing of ANYTHING REMOTELY CLOSE TO THAT is super mean and kind of ugly so....please stop, haters.
Ok, tell me what to do. You all did REALLY well on the ring thing so - have at it!
Unless you're going to question my commitment to Jay, in which case I'll become ZERO ZEN and yell atcha.
Please and thank you for the help, stories you've heard, what you've done, and all that jazz. Also thank you for looking at all the pictures of the man that I'm not committed enough to change my name for just yet.
Syke.
My cousin is getting married in October and will go by Pamela Diego Volkmann. Currently, she's Pamela Mendoza Diego (Mendoza being her mom's maiden name). So there's that -- not hyphenating and just maintaining. It's to try to not throw off any future clients (she's a lawyer) that would wonder why a Pamela Volkmann looks super Asian.
Or... you could make a composite last name. Hasterton? Howerstings?
I also kept all of my names! Seems like it's a trend. I actually have five names now (two middle names and my maiden name in the middle), and that's a little ridiculous -- and I do make everyone put all my names down on legal documents, if they fit. If they don't fit, I drop the second middle name (My), then the first middle name (Elizabeth), and then my maiden name if absolutely necessary.
I have lots of reasoning behind all this, mainly: I loved my name(s) and didn't want to lose them, but I do want to have the same last name as my children (in fact, I want all of us to have the same last name), and I'm not a fan of hyphenation. But I do use three names (first, maiden, and new last) for my professional situation, and that's a pretty big deal since I'm a very Google-able writer.
Oh, but when I travel overseas I use my maiden name (and therefore keep credit cards and other documents in my maiden name), because I didn't want to get a new passport.
Lindsay darling, indulge me. You have only known me like a month. I am a nerd. I am a historian. And I can't not think about these things in an historical context. The wifely name change is a holdover from the days of coverture, in which a woman was passed, as property and with all "her" property, from father to husband. It just skeeves me out. I am who I am. Now granted, both mothers and children taking the name of the husband/father is a mark of patriarchy, but in one case the name change symbolizes how the the wife is transferred as property where as in the other case, it's transferring generational identity. That choice is difficult. It bothers me that the "I am who I am" is marked by my Father's surname and not my Mother's. But FYI, my Mom never had the same name surname as us, people dealt with it, and she was never not our mother, never not the more important parent in our lives. It's maddening. I wish we could come up with something better for our kids, but ultimately I'm more comfortable with the idea of my kids having diff't names than me than with changing my own name (though I fantasize about giving my kids my own name, but that's not really fair because they come out of my body, not his). So. Those are my personal thoughts. From the single girl. ;P
I have all of my names as well, just like Kami: Elizabeth Marchel Douglas Blair. I often shorten it to just Elizabeth Douglas Blair. However, I use the Marchel for my artistic endeavors (Marchel Designs and Marchel Publishing). Perhaps it is a case of 'more is better!"
Hi, Lindsay! You could do like I did and keep all of my names. haha I liked my first, middle and last names and didn't want a hyphen. So, Kami Ocean Sinclair Turner it is. It's even on my social security card that way. I would love to use the name Ocean somewhere with my children one day. Anywho, if you want to take his last name, maybe keep Howerton and as you said, use Dawn for your daughter's name. Whatever your choice, I didn't even think about you not wanting to be committed. So, shame on the ones who even thought such nonsense. I'm really happy for you guys and would love to hang out more. Love you! -Kami
I was right there with you. Especially since I'm an actress and my name is part of my calling card. I'm also in the boat of being the youngest of 3 girls, all my sisters changed my name so there's no more of us if I change mine...which is sad. I also don't really have a strong opinion either way. I like the idea of having the same last name as my eventual children. And I think Rory likes the idea of me taking his last name. There's tradition to it. I have decided to take his last name and use my last name as my middle name. Because, well, it feels good? right? I'm also not established enough in my acting career to have it affect anything careerwise. I might also give one of my children my last name as a middle name for a little self preservation.
I think whatever feels good to you is the right answer. (ps. can't wait!) I've seen a few stories where the dude took the ladies last name OR they made something up together with their existing last names as it was a start to a new chapter in their family. Some ideas 🙂