greenville sc

Last Saturday night Lindsay and I went out on the town with her BFF Addie and her new Boy Toy. The evening started out as your typical, run of the mill Saturday night with a lovely Mexican dinner and a 48oz Dos Equis beer at Compadres. We were all sharing stories and Addie’s new Boy Toy was slowly realizing that I do not have the ability to have what normal people call “appropriate conversations.” I have a horrible mouth and love to engage in taboo subject matter. The week before last I found myself talking about how I can’t go poop in a bar with a table full of women. I can’t turn it off. So, we finished our dinner and decided to go to Smiley’s Acoustic Café. It’s one of my favorite bars in Greenville. I always have a great time there, but last Saturday night was SUPER fun.

The four of us were sitting there listening to music and drinking $2 PBR’s when this strange looking couple migrated over in front of our table. The man was your typical mid-40’s “I’m Still Hip” type of guy, that rocks his cell phone on his belt, wears loafer shoes and jeans that are way too tight. He looked like he stepped out of a low-rent Land’s End catalog. His lady friend was a Hot Mess! Her face looked like she shared DNA with a horse, Celine Dion, and a water ski. This girl’s face was loooooong! She was thin, relatively well dressed, but she had that trashy look about her that said she came from lesser stock. Kind of “methy.” They were right next to me getting very friendly on the dance floor. It was like watching horny 7th graders dance.

It was uncomfortable to watch (unlike horny 7th graders….kidding!), the heavy petting quickly turned into dry humping. Now, I’m not the only one that was noticing this gross display of ugly affection. Our entire area of the bar is starting to notice these two dogs in heat. The moved over to the bar and were almost in the corner except that there was a very old man in the corner, so they wedges themselves against him.

This is where things started to get borderline pornographic. This guy had his hands in her pants, up her shirt and was squeezing her teets like she was ready for milking. She was tossing her hair around, using her scarf to rope him in and grinding her bony ass into his denim covered erection. This was the most hardcore dry humping I have ever witnessed, or been a part of.

By this time the ENTIRE crowd was yelling at them, chanting for them, and cheering them on. At one point Lindsay and I went over and pretended to start making out next to them for a photo opportunity. We had everyone cracking up laughing. I was yelling jokes out and had the table next to us cracking up (yes, I am bragging about my comedic ability).

The best part of their public hump session was the old man that they trapped in the corner. He just stared at this woman’s exposed ass and sipped his white wine. He probably hadn’t seen that much action since the War. Every time someone would make eye contact with him, he would give them that “gee shucks golly” type look while shrugging his shoulders. It was classic. The couple started moving to the door, I guess they were finally ready to get a room. As they were walking, the entire place got up and gave them a standing ovation. I was standing in my chair yelling, “BRAVO!” They had no clue as to why the whole place was in an uproar. The man looked at me and asked, “Why are y’all clapping?” and I responded, “This has been the best live sex show I’ve seen outside Amsterdam.”

That story would have been enough to make it an awesomely weird evening, but it gets even better….

About 20 minutes later, I saw a woman is on the floor next to me. She is clearly in search mode. The type of investigative hunch that says, “I have lost my contact.” Being a nice person I lean down from my bar stool and ask, “Excuse, what are you looking for? Can I help?” She sprung up from the floor and said in a very southern accent, “My toof! My dang toof fell out.” As I attempted to make eye contact with her, my stare drifted south to her mouth where my eyes were greeted by one of the most jacked up grills I have seen. Her front tooth looked like a snake’s fang; Skinny, slightly yellow, and dangerously sharp.

She started telling me her problems and how she just has to find the crown for her tooth. “I cain’t believe this. I live in Atlanta and I got a meetin’ with the CEO on Monday and I cain’t go in there with my dang toof missin’.” There is nothing about this woman that said CEO or meeting. However, this did not stop me from helping her. I got down on the floor and quickly spotted what looked like a square pearl behind a guitar case. I picked it up and presented my find to her saying, “You might want to boil this.” This is when Addie’s Boy Toy started to dry heave. Apparently, he’s got issues with teeth being picked up off bar floors. She was so happy that she bought me a beer and thanked me for finding her $2,000 crown.

After that we decided that it was time to go. I didn’t want to see what else the evening had in store for us. It was an awesome night and one that will keep me going back to Smiley’s for a long, long time.