Well, now that we have our genitalia firmly in place and a few names swimming around, we're moving through the second half of pregnancy - quickly, it feels like. And, frankly, I hope it continues in that fashion. I'm happy to give this kid as much time as she needs in the belly, but pregnancy isn't my favorite thing and takes a long time. No, I'm not glowing, I'm just pretty good with bronzer, and "I feel great" really means that I fluctuate between anxious and excited and energetic and so tired but unable to sleep and I'm just kind of not into it. Thanks for the compliments on the glow, though. It makes a girl feel good even though you're totes making it up. Maybe I was sweaty.
Beyond that, the big news is that we (I) had our (my) 20 week anatomy ultrasound two weeks ago. Jay was laid up with his family and couldn't make it, the lazy deadbeat. Not really. I went alone and hated every second of it because HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE AND SEX REVEAL AND WAHHHHHH but I got hold of myself and went like a grownup. And everything was perfect except two cysts on homegirl's brain that could be a marker for Trisomy 18.
Which is not compatible with life.
So. There's that. The thing is, these particular cysts 99.9 percent of the time mean nothing. In order to be considered a marker for anything they have to be found in conjunction with something else physically wrong with the fetus. I even read online that some doctors don't mention them at all to patients if they're found on their own because they often go away on their own and if I had the ultrasound a week earlier or later we might have never seen them. Of course, though, that doesn't exactly help us sleep better at night.
I believe the doctor and the midwife. They both agree that in an isolated setting the cysts mean nothing and we don't need to freak out or get additional testing or higher-level scans. I'm going with it. The internet agrees, and God knows I love learning things from the internet. But still. There is the tiniest part of me that is frozen. Paint the nursery? What if I've got this little kicker in me who's totes DOA? My feeling has always been "don't do much until viability, just in case," but EVEN SO. We could make it happily to 27 weeks and everything could go terribly wrong. And I know it probably won't. But probability and hormones and anxiety mixed together are just a bitch, guys. To be sure, we have an additional ultrasound scheduled at 28 weeks, which is kind of cool because we can check to see if the leech is still really a girl and everything is going ok and see her one more time before she shoots terrifyingly out of my vagina. And also we can confirm that 1. the cysts have gone away (sometimes they don't and that still isn't a problem) and/or 2. there are still no other physical markers that could indicate some kind of development issue or anything "not compatible with life." What a terrible phrase.
So, today, I spent about 3 hours obsessing over what kind of chair I need for the nursery while reminding myself that I don't believe in doing things too early for this. exact. reason.
As we've mentioned before, I'm a crazy person. And I'm READY for that next ultrasound. And if that goes well I'll find a whole new series of things to be concerned about! Great.
Physically, I AM feeling fine, but I'm still reeling from all the beach/leg break/late nights that we've been having, so I feel exhausted a lot. My friend Belen had to remind me that sometimes we can't blame everyone on pregnancy, rather, I'm just tired because life is tiring right now. I've gained a little less than 10 pounds and wear about 50/50 maternity clothes and old stuff. I was lucky to be gifted a huge box of maternity basics from my friend and boss Amanda, who has great style and is apparently also good at laundry - she sent me stuff worn through two pregnancies and it's all in really great condition. One thing I'm lacking is PANTS. I have a black maternity pair for work, a white regular pair that is low enough to go under my belly, and....that's honestly kind of it. I want a pair of designer maternity jeans so. bad. but just can't find anything even a little bit on sale. Like....all the 7's will go on sale EXCEPT the one maternity pair a certain department store carries. What the hell. Any advice on that? I realize that needing designer jeans is not a thing, but my MO is to have one of everything in a nice brand instead of several cheaper options, wear them for an entire year until they literally get holes, and then move on. I see no reason why I shouldn't do that here, buuuutttt usually I can find designer jeans at TJMaxx-esque places. Not so with the bump.
I can feel a ton of motion now, which is really fun but also weird? It's not always pleasant for sure. She isn't strong enough to hurt me, but sometimes the kicks and jabs feel really low and similar to a pap smear. Bear with me. It's like how you feel it but don't feel it because there aren't any nerve endings. So strange. But that's what it reminds me of. The placenta is right in the front of my uterus, behind skin and fat and abs, so it'll be a little longer before anyone on the outside can feel anything, and I'm REALLY excited for Jay to feel it. And to be able to see my belly just move. That's weird.
I'm still hungry all the time and eating like a horse, but now that we're back from "vacation" I'm back to a pretty tough yoga schedule, which still feels great and I enjoy besides the fact that teaching yoga is still work and I never want to work. I want to watch Orange Is The New Black.
My sweet friends are planning a baby shower, so I've gotten super duper into registering and decorating the nursery, which as of now is full of junk. But not junk that we want to get rid of. Books and pictures and things that we don't want to put in the attic but want to save for when we have a bigger house. Except that we don't need a bigger house. I'm about to get reallyyyyyy Goodwill-happy, I can just feel it. Nesting for me isn't pregnancy-specific; about 4 times a year I only want to purge and so I fill up the car with stuff we don't want or use any more and give it away. I have a Pinterest board for the nursery, and right now I'm starting to think on paint colors. I'm also toying with the idea of mixing wood colors - we have a white dresser that we'll use as a changing table, but I think I might like a brown crib. Yay? Nay? All I know is that I want a light neutral color for the walls, my sister will paint some kind of elephant on one of them (she's an incredible artist), and we're going to do a DIY paper crane mobile to match my tattoo and maybe a few other DIY art pieces if we find time or motivation. That's all we've got so far. Registering is overwhelming because so. much. stuff and also it's like "this is the most expensive product ever that you MUST have but also your baby might hate it" for every single thing. Product loves or hates? My baby will probably be different but I'd love to know your opinions. Breast pumps and bottles and nursing supplies is a big area I haven't even begun to touch on yet in my
I think the Relaxin is kicking in too. That's the hormone that starts loosening joints and tendons and ligaments in preparation for labor. Kind of like the reverse effect of a snake detaching it's jaw to eat something bigger than its head. I'm not necessarily physically looser, or maybe I can't tell because I'm still doing a ton of yoga and am pretty flexible. BUT, get this. I think my vocal chords are looser. Is that even a thing? Loosening can happen in your whole body, so why not there? When we were preparing for that big gig a few weeks ago there were some songs that were just HARD and I almost marked them off the list because I didn't want to deal with it. But then suddenly, after NOT a lot of practice, two of them were just...easier. The hardest songs all of a sudden kind of fell out of me. I'm not saying they were great by any means, but my throat was happier to be singing notes that are generally really challenging. It's probably all in my head.
Are we bored yet? Tell me how to be pregnant better. But, like, in a nice way. Because hormones.