In Order To Buy a House...

You must, first...

pick a realtor
work with a lender for pre-approval
send said lender 8,393 documents proving that you are legit and can afford a house payment every month
think in your brain about whether current life partner should remain life partner
decide yes
look at houses
love a house
make an offer
have offer rejected
cry
think in your brain about whether current life partner should remain life partner
decide yes
drink excessively
get over yourself, look at more houses
find another house you like
take parents to see house
think about things that are wrong with house
make an offer
have offer ignored for 10 days because seller doesn't want to sell because he's getting married and his fiancee can't find a house she likes for TWICE THE PRICE that his house is selling for
wonder why it is so hard to give people money
cry
think in your brain about whether current life partner should remain life partner
decide yes
look at more houses
repeat
find recently reduced house that you love
make an offer on the house
negotiate terms
have offer accepted on the house
send lender new round of documents proving you're legit
explain to lender why you deposit large amounts of cash then write checks to a third party organization with no documentation
try to convince lender that you aren't selling drugs or laundering money
find out that house has been moved from a past location and doesn't qualify for the loan you were planning on, and now your down payment will double
cry
freak out
convince life partner to not back out of deal
cry
find out that house is in a flood zone and monthly payment will increase
cry
freak out
convince life partner not to back out of deal
learn that the flood lines will be redrawn next year, after which time the house will no longer be in a flood plain
try to convince government to act as though the new lines are already in effect
fail
cry
freak out
prepare to move
on closing day, with boxes packed, find out that closing can't happen that day due to another governmental regulation that makes no sense
cry
freak out
sign early occupancy agreement
gather friends and family, begin moving belongings
hang clothes in closet
hear bang
discover closet fixtures crashed to the floor, observe gaping hole in wall
cry
freak out
spend two days moving
reconvene at lawyer's office
sign name 9,837 times
close on house
go home
survey thousands of boxes that may never get unpacked
pour glass of wine
cry
freak out