Comedy

Preparing for the arrival of your child feels like awaiting contact from aliens.  Instead of wrapping my head in tinfoil, writing “Welcome” on my roof, and trying to prevent an anal probe, I’ve been reading baby books, buying over-priced furniture, and trying not to freak out.  “The Happiest Baby on the Block” is the book I’ve been reading.  I’m trying to get ahead of the tsunami of information I don’t know, and until very recently, did not care about.  A crying baby is what I fear the most.  I’ve seen enough Lifetime movies to know that a crying baby can send you over the edge and directly to prison.  Soothing the baby is the technique I want to master.  Swaddle, Shhh, Side/Stomach, Swing, Suck.  Those are the 5 S’s of getting your little devil angel to shut the fuck up.  It actually makes sense.  Swaddle = wrap tightly. This is essentially the first step in kidnapping.  Tie the little girl up so she knows resistance is futile.  Shhhhh = literally, “Shut the fuck up”, but in a very friendly, caring way.  Side/Stomach = render the little human defenseless like a turtle on its back.  Swing = hypnotize.  Instead of following a moving watch, you just put the little critter in a swing and like an infomercial host would say, “Set It And Forget It!”  Suck = boob in the mouth.  This makes the most sense.  I can’t remember the last time I was fussy with a tit in my face and/or mouth.  Pretty much solves all my problems.

Having a broken leg has been a blessing and a curse.  While I have been forced to sit on the sidelines, it has also restricted my voice from being heard on the playing field; which is a good thing.  Lindsay has done an amazing job creating the nursery.  She has painted, moved furniture, cleaned carpets, and organized furniture purchases.  I have tried to remain supportive and try not to be an opinionated S.O.B. Lindsay is awesome at using a mixture of hand-me-downs, slightly used, and new items for our little angel’s new room.  I’m really happy with the way it’s all coming together, and this broken leg has prevented/helped me not lift one finger in helping!

While visiting baby super stores such as Buy Buy Baby and Baby’s R Us, I’ve noticed one truth.  Every single man being lead through that store has no clue what is going on.  We are herded, directed, and instructed on what is important, why it is so, and what we need to concentrate on.  While I want to know how that breast pump works and if it can be used for any recreation activities, I’m told that is not important and to focus on bottles.  Apparently, babies are now particular to bottles and not must have at least three types of bottles to choose from.  The same goes for pacifiers.  If this isn’t an absolute scheme from the horrible people at Gerber and Johnson & Johnson, then I don’t know what is.  We have a plethora of diapers, wraps, strollers, car seats, powders, creams, and apparently it’s a guessing game if the kid is going to come out of the womb band loyal to a specific item.  “Oh father, I shan’t be caught sucking on a Soothies pacifier!  Whatever will my daycare peers think of me?”  Luckily, Lindsay has been pretty good about not buying into most of the marketing fraud directed at parents.  However, it is a tough pitch to dodge, as they make you feel like you don’t love your child and you’re willing to let them die in order to save a few bucks. 

Maternity clothes look just like any other clothes, unless you get to see them being put on.  It’s the same mentality with hotdogs.  Delicious but you don’t want to see how they’re made.  I find it so funny that Lindsay can look like a super model walking down the street, but then when we get ready for bed I get to see the magic that holds up her pants.  They look so strange and weird.  I honestly don’t know why fat men haven’t stolen this technology for themselves.  “Do you constantly find yourself losing circulation below your waistline?  Would you like to eat your way to an orb shape?  Are you scare your penis might get a sunburn?  Well, keep on eating and stretch on those “skinny” jeans out with the new all male Belly Band!”  With football season right around the corner this makes so much sense.  I think I just found a business idea.  It’s not like this fat country is going to start losing weight.  We invented the Double Down for Christ’s sake.  The name Belly Band is taken, so I’m thinking…”Gut Buster”, or the “Freedom Pant”.  I’m serious about this.  Screw saving for college money, I’m going to get the patent started!