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    Home » Comedy

    Comedy

    On Birth Class {jay}

    October 14, 2015 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    “The female body is designed to succeed.”  That is the first bit of information that our birthing class instructor told us, which is why it is written across the top page of my notepad and underlined.  While this is great news for Lindsay, it doesn’t say much about my success rate.  The law of averages puts my performance squarely in the shitter, struggling not to fail and implode.  This birthing class helps provide us with a clear (and I mean crystal clear) understanding of what the birthing experience will be like.  Lindsay is the star of this production and I’m fulfilling the role of being a stage Mom.  I am to be abundantly supportive, have snacks ready at moment’s notice, and prevent myself from saying anything stupid or alarming like, “Honey, you think they could perform a c-section with a chainsaw?  Like if they HAD to.”  But, this class is really wonderful.  It’s been great to receive information in a positive, supportive environment that is totally cool with smart ass remarks.  Allow me to share some of my notes with you.12122718_10153596023880953_5114235507108661723_n

    ...

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    Swaddle = Wrap Tightly. This is essentially the first step in kidnapping {jay}

    September 9, 2015 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    Preparing for the arrival of your child feels like awaiting contact from aliens.  Instead of wrapping my head in tinfoil, writing “Welcome” on my roof, and trying to prevent an anal probe, I’ve been reading baby books, buying over-priced furniture, and trying not to freak out.  “The Happiest Baby on the Block” is the book I’ve been reading.  I’m trying to get ahead of the tsunami of information I don’t know, and until very recently, did not care about.  A crying baby is what I fear the most.  I’ve seen enough Lifetime movies to know that a crying baby can send you over the edge and directly to prison.  Soothing the baby is the technique I want to master.  Swaddle, Shhh, Side/Stomach, Swing, Suck.  Those are the 5 S’s of getting your little devil angel to shut the fuck up.  It actually makes sense.  Swaddle = wrap tightly. This is essentially the first step in kidnapping.  Tie the little girl up so she knows resistance is futile.  Shhhhh = literally, “Shut the fuck up”, but in a very friendly, caring way.  Side/Stomach = render the little human defenseless like a turtle on its back.  Swing = hypnotize.  Instead of following a moving watch, you just put the little critter in a swing and like an infomercial host would say, “Set It And Forget It!”  Suck = boob in the mouth.  This makes the most sense.  I can’t remember the last time I was fussy with a tit in my face and/or mouth.  Pretty much solves all my problems.

    Having a broken leg has been a blessing and a curse.  While I have been forced to sit on the sidelines, it has also restricted my voice from being heard on the playing field; which is a good thing.  Lindsay has done an amazing job creating the nursery.  She has painted, moved furniture, cleaned carpets, and organized furniture purchases.  I have tried to remain supportive and try not to be an opinionated S.O.B. Lindsay is awesome at using a mixture of hand-me-downs, slightly used, and new items for our little angel’s new room.  I’m really happy with the way it’s all coming together, and this broken leg has prevented/helped me not lift one finger in helping!

    While visiting baby super stores such as Buy Buy Baby and Baby’s R Us, I’ve noticed one truth.  Every single man being lead through that store has no clue what is going on.  We are herded, directed, and instructed on what is important, why it is so, and what we need to concentrate on.  While I want to know how that breast pump works and if it can be used for any recreation activities, I’m told that is not important and to focus on bottles.  Apparently, babies are now particular to bottles and not must have at least three types of bottles to choose from.  The same goes for pacifiers.  If this isn’t an absolute scheme from the horrible people at Gerber and Johnson & Johnson, then I don’t know what is.  We have a plethora of diapers, wraps, strollers, car seats, powders, creams, and apparently it’s a guessing game if the kid is going to come out of the womb band loyal to a specific item.  “Oh father, I shan’t be caught sucking on a Soothies pacifier!  Whatever will my daycare peers think of me?”  Luckily, Lindsay has been pretty good about not buying into most of the marketing fraud directed at parents.  However, it is a tough pitch to dodge, as they make you feel like you don’t love your child and you’re willing to let them die in order to save a few bucks. 

     

    Maternity clothes look just like any other clothes, unless you get to see them being put on.  It’s the same mentality with hotdogs.  Delicious but you don’t want to see how they’re made.  I find it so funny that Lindsay can look like a super model walking down the street, but then when we get ready for bed I get to see the magic that holds up her pants.  They look so strange and weird.  I honestly don’t know why fat men haven’t stolen this technology for themselves.  “Do you constantly find yourself losing circulation below your waistline?  Would you like to eat your way to an orb shape?  Are you scare your penis might get a sunburn?  Well, keep on eating and stretch on those “skinny” jeans out with the new all male Belly Band!”  With football season right around the corner this makes so much sense.  I think I just found a business idea.  It’s not like this fat country is going to start losing weight.  We invented the Double Down for Christ’s sake.  The name Belly Band is taken, so I’m thinking…”Gut Buster”, or the “Freedom Pant”.  I’m serious about this.  Screw saving for college money, I’m going to get the patent started!

    Jay's Opinion on Pregnancy, in Quotes

    July 22, 2015 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    Well.  After 19 weeks we've got quite a little list going of all the things that are surprising to Jay about pregnancy and impending parenthood, but mostly he just comes up with the most ridiculous things to say.  I would also like you to know that the following picture was taken on the exam table at our very first midwife visit with his legs in the air as if there were stirrups, which there weren't.  photo 5

    When I got to around 13 weeks and we started telling people we had to go through the list of places where I work, and one of them was the yoga studio where I work and Jay practices several times a week.  We only "told" one or two people, but of course those people would talk to Jay or me and people would overhear and every class we attended for the first few weeks felt like we were "telling" new people.  When my friend Julia heard she looked at Jay with what can only be described as disgust and just said 

    you dog.  

    Now, if you know Julia you know that she's really quiet, amazingly fit and can stand on her head all the live-long day if asked to, and generally says hi and bye to and from class.  She's very nice, but doesn't chat a ton.  For some reason, her reaction was hilarious to me.  

    ...

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    From Jay! 1st Trimester Recap

    July 8, 2015 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    Everything could be something great and everything could be something terrible.  That is the best description of my outlook through the first trimester of Lindsay's pregnancy.  The great and terrible are the two sides of the coin and parenthood is one big coin toss.  However, I believe that my child will be great and I myself will be terrible.  I’m not joking.  I’m already failing at an alarming rate.  I dropped our neighbor’s kid just the other night and it bonked his tiny head right off our hardwood floors.  You know the shame you feel when you break a glass, have a car wreck?  All of those pale in comparison to the immense guilt you have when you think you’ve broken a small human that doesn’t belong to you.  If it’s your own kid you can write it off and say, “Well, we’ll just make a new one.”  I felt as if I’d collected all of their family heirlooms and set them on fire in front of them.  And the entire reason I let the kid fall is because I was worried about getting drool on my television remote control.  Great decision making Jay!  Possibly have to buy a new remote, or kill a baby? 

    ...

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    Marriage Advice From Jay

    December 10, 2013 by Lindsay 2 Comments

    hayyyyyyy guys.  since clearly I married a genius, I'm letting him offer you marriage advice.  After 120 days, we feel like we've got most things nailed.  unnamed (3)

    Today marks the 4 month anniversary of Lindsay and me getting married. We’ve made it one third of a year, which is pretty good. Take that Ms. Kardashian! I still can’t believe I’m married, mostly because Lindsay doesn’t really feel like my wife. I never wanted a wife. I’ve always wanted a permanent girlfriend, and I think I found that with Linds. We enjoy each other’s company, and enjoy being in the company of each other’s friends and family. Do we still fight? Sure, but not a lot and hardly ever with weapons. Our pillow fights are epic!  I need to start nagging more. ...

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    Today is the Day!

    November 14, 2013 by Lindsay 1 Comment

    I need you to be aware that today's post is entirely plugging a television show. 

    Not just ANY show, though.  JAY'S BFF'S NEW SHOW ON TBS!  It premiers tonight, and we're ever so slightly excited.  

    ...

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    Do You Want America to Fail?

    October 18, 2013 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    This isn't a political post, this is just....this.  

    Read this.  Laugh.  Moan.  This is a dumb time in our lives, but this is funny.  

    Also TGIF. 

    A Comedy of Errors, this Marriage Is

    October 14, 2013 by Lindsay 3 Comments

    HAPPY MONDAY from the most moronic couple in the history of the world!

    First, how was your weekend?  Tell me.  What'd you eat?  

    We went to a wedding.  Two weddings, specifically, but we were only invited to one.  

    ...

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    Text From Dog

    September 27, 2013 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    Because it's FINALLY FRIDAY, let's laugh a little bit, ok?  Did you forget about the Text From Dog tumblr?  I almost did, and I'm SO happy I found it again.  Never gets old. There are lots of recent new texts posted!

    Happy weekend, friends. 

    Internet

    August 2, 2013 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    Happy Friday!  

    I showed you the other day that funny list of supposedly grown up things, remember?

    One of them was about not working hard at work. That up there is just a picture of me and Jay two years ago being skinny.  

    Maybe....today is one of those days?  Maybe...you're dying for some fun new stuff to read?

    Here ya go:

    ...

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    On Being A Grownup

    July 31, 2013 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    I found this on Facebook, and in honor of all the growing up we're doing around here (10 days!!) recently, I thought it best to share with you.  What would you add to it?

    1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

    3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font....and that would be the main theme for this blog. 

    5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    ...

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    This Man

    May 14, 2013 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

     I have told you that my beloved recently took a new job - correct?

    It's a great new job.  He's getting really good at it, but there's definitely a learning curve, as exists with tons of new jobs.  He's been away for work 2/4 of the last weeks, so I'm GLAD to have him home.  
     
    One challenge we've found with Jay working at home that when 1. I walk in, 2. the dogs breathe, 3. someone knocks on the door, he's interrupted.  He does a ton of conference calling, and needed a good, albeit dorky, headset to block out some of the regular house noise.
     
    So I bought him one.
     
    And then we had the following conversation:
    ...

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    Drunken Thursday Giggles

    April 25, 2013 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    Not me, you fools. Click this. 

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/reasons-kids-are-pretty-much-just-tiny-drunk-adults

    I wish it was me, though. 

    Religious Humor

    April 23, 2013 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    Stolen from Facebook, and an ode to my childhood. 

    Using the Eff word on a Monday Afternoon

    April 22, 2013 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    I love a good swear, don't you?  Sorry to admit that, Mama.  Someone has a quote....about smart people swearing because they really meant it or something?

    Not that I'm smart but...I like to make my bad words count.

    So, click here for a funny list of funny quotes by a funny man that has a lot of swearing in it.

    The end. 

    The Most Inappropriate V-day Post Ever

    February 14, 2013 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    Sorry, guys.

    I've told you before that I love me some David Thorne.

    He's hilarious, sarcastic, vulgar, and totally on point with most of his social commentary.

    This article, though, is hilarious.  They all are, and I encourage you to not work at all today and read every single article on his website.

    BUT if you don't have time for that, click here, and read this.  You'll die.  It cracks me up to know that other people fight about total nothingness like we never do.

    Have a fun day, and let me know if you have any bright ideas for fun dates tonight.  I don't want my bald manfriend to bore of doing the same thing all the time.

    And by the same thing, I mean, of course, me prancing around in skimpy nighties with freshly shaven legs and a full face of makeup begging him to bed me.

    If it were opposite day.

    Post-Christmas Silliness

    December 26, 2012 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    Stolen from http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-2012

    Stolen from the Web

    December 22, 2012 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    ....but seriously.  YES.

    Via http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-2012

    Food For Thought

    August 23, 2012 by Lindsay Leave a Comment

    stolen from facebook.  wish we knew where from. 

    HAPPY HAPPY

    July 17, 2012 by Lindsay 4 Comments

    Nope, not pregnant or engaged.

    Sorry.

    IT'S OUR BLOG'S BIRTHDAY!

    We're one.  That's like.....five seconds in real world years.

    We've had a great time this year!

    ...

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