By now, if you’re a frequent reader of this blog, you know that I snapped my tibia and fibula in half last week. Lindsay did an amazing job of capturing the play by play commentary of the event, and I’m here now to add some color. I wish I could embellish and sprinkle in some creative license, but that ship has sailed. I wish I could tell you that I shattered my leg while saving a bus load of children from drowning, rescuing the elderly from a blazing nursing home fire, or hell, even a kickball game would be less embarrassing than the truth. Because the truth is my left leg cannot tolerate the weight and force of my body descending 5 feet into shallow water. Yep, that is the universal sign for, “time to lose some weight, you fat ass.” When uneven earth and your body weight remove you from walking for a couple of months, it’s time to reconsider your diet and recreational activities.
Allow me to recap what adrenaline and pain medication did not steal from my memory of this entire experience. I hope it will be as therapeutic for me as it will be entertaining for you.
1. Apparently, when I break a bone(s) in my body, I am blessed with the gift of utter creative filth. A symphony of swears leap from my lips as if releasing the latch off a pressure cooker. “F this Mother F’er, F that piece of S in the GD Ahole, rotten dirty B filthy Dbag, F’ing F this F F F!” It’s only embarrassing because I let all of that loose in front of my 7 year old niece and 4 year old nephew. I felt so bad about it. However, it wasn’t anything to worry about because my health issues didn’t prevent them from having a grand old time on the beach. My sister told me after the accident she worries about their empathy levels and if she is sharing a house with two potential serial killers.
2. Getting rescued by the fire department is cool. Getting to ride in the back of a speed boat strapped to a backboard with a broken leg is not. Now, I’ve always heard “slow and steady wins the race” but I guess that goes out the window in emergency situations. The sea was angry that day my friend and rather than being ribbed for my pleasure, it was a washboard of vibrations that echoed through my poor broken leg. The very least they could have done was allow me to turn the siren on, but apparently, that isn’t “cool." Sidenote: all of my body image issues went right out the window. I was totally happy with my squishy, summer dog shit mid-section. It’s amazing what positives await you in pain.
3. When emergency rescue folks pull a man off a boat in a marina, a crowd gathers. I really enjoyed passing along a quick safety tip to the on-lookers as I was carried past. “Guys, can’t stress enough how important it is not to jump into shallow water off your boat. Especially, if you have the bone density of a 70 year old woman with osteoporosis.”
4. I’m pretty sure that when the surgeon asked, “How did you break your leg,” I responded with, “horrible sex accident.” I have a UFC fetish.
5. When the anesthesiologist recommends a “spinal” to put you under, they should immediately tell you that when you wake up, you will not be able to feel anything below your waist. I just remember thinking, “how did my broken leg make me lose feeling in my naughty bits?”
6. While cruising around the hospital in a wheelchair, I wondered if disabled people look at their chairs the way some people do about their cars. I saw several models that impressed me, but didn’t want to ask about price and seem like a complete insensitive asshole.
7. With 2mgs of Dilauded pain medication in my blood stream, I’m almost positive I could shoot myself in the foot with a cannon and laugh about it.
8. Opiates should also come with complimentary stool softener. No need to go any further on that, but I will say it’s similar to trying to squeeze a Rubix Cube through a drinking straw.
9. Peeing into a Male Urinal is fun and humiliating all at the same time. It’s amazingly convenient but when you hear your loved one empty your urine into a toilet, you do feel a touch bad about the entire situation. The only downside of using said urinal is the “angle of attack." It just depends on the kind of day you’re having…down there. If there is a little extra line on your twine, then there is absolutely no problem at all. However, if there the turtle is frightened at all, it can be challenging not to urinate on yourself and spoil your day even further.
10. I hate using a walker. It makes me use muscles I’m not accustomed to using, which causes muscle cramps in my thighs, hips, and ass, which results in me feeling like I’ve not only broken my leg, but also my spirit. A walker lets the world know, “I’m not a threat.” I won’t be defending anyone’s honor, stopping a fight, or even crossing a busy road.
11. Breaking your leg is great preparation for being in a nursing home. That isn’t a joke. That is real.
Ok, you lovely readers. That is what I can piece together from my drug impaired memory. I can’t stress enough how important it is to be careful and not break your leg. It really, really sucks. It’s awful to lose your independence and have to rely on other people for the simplest of tasks. However, it does humble you when you realize how many people love and care about your well-being. While I might have piss poor luck with my bones, I’ve made up for it tenfold with my friends and family.